My faith journey has not been a linear progression, but rather a jagged line filled with fits and starts, ups and downs.  St. Theresa of Avila, in her words, sums up the story of my faith journey. “Although I have often abandoned you, O Lord, you have never abandoned me.  Your hand of love is always outstretched toward me, even when I stubbornly look the other way.  And your gentle voice constantly calls me, even when I obstinately refuse to listen.”

     I am a cradle Catholic, but unlike many in my situation, my parents did not go to Church; we didn’t say grace, although I was told to say my prayers and go to Mass.  But, my mom and dad loved me deeply, and by their example and teaching, helped to make me the person I am today.  They were my advocate, always made me accept responsibility for my actions, and protected me when the storms of life raged.  They were my first examples of Jesus in my life.

     Things began to change for me when I went to Dominican High School.  At first, I felt at a loss because I didn’t have the same faith background as most of my friends, and I began to view my faith in the eyes of a teenage girl seeking a purpose in life.  I was very involved in Catholic Christian service organizations and felt the importance of growing in my faith.  In junior year of high school, I met my husband-to-be, Mark.  We would go on dates on Saturday nights, but we always went to Mass together first.  I remember my mom telling me that this guy must be very special because it is obvious his faith is important to him.  Indeed, it was, and he helped me grow on that journey.

     Mark and I got married after dating for four years, and I began my career teaching Down syndrome young adolescents in the public-school system.  I believed in Jesus, but I wasn’t earnest in my prayer life.  I prayed when I really wanted something important to happen.  When I was 25, our first son was born, and just a few months later my dad had a heart attack that claimed his life.  I need to mention that I had two older brothers (6 and 7 years older than I), so I was the “princess” in the eyes of my dad.  We had a very close relationship, and in so many ways, we were alike in our personalities.  His death three days after Christmas ROCKED my life; in the four days he spent in ICU before his death, I prayed like I had never prayed before.  I felt like my prayers fell on deaf ears, and I was furious with God!  For months I refused to go to Church, or if I did, it was only to make Mark happy. I don’t know what brought me back to God after my dad died so suddenly, but most likely it was our infant son, Ryan.  This beautiful child came from God, so how could I stay away from Him?  I also wanted to unburden myself of the heaviness I carried around, but I always felt unworthy of God’s love because of my rejection.

     Fast forward a few years and we were living our dream.  We had a beautiful family of three, Mark had a great job, I was principal at a Catholic elementary school, our three children were successful in school and in their lives.  That all seemed to come to a screeching halt when Mark was transferred to Houston.  We chose to make the move because it was what was best for our future, but my present world was being ripped apart.  Moving to Houston was incredibly painful for me, and somehow, I blamed God for doing this to me.  I had to leave behind my aging mom, a lifetime of friends, and a job I absolutely loved!  What I didn’t realize at the time was that God was asking me to grow in other ways and explore new options for my life.  He was leading us to a place where we could best provide opportunities for our daughter who was soon to be diagnosed with a very serious illness, an illness that would once again shatter my faith and trust in the Lord.  On top of the difficult move to Houston, let me just add some additional complexities:  my mom got sick and died and our beloved pet dog died.  How much more could God put on my plate?  I shouldn’t have asked because that is when things went south for our daughter.  

     Seeing our child in pain and turmoil has been the most difficult thing God has asked me to endure.  I prayed and prayed and prayed, but things only seemed to get worse and spiral out of control.  We found the best medical help we could get, but things were getting worse.  I prayed and prayed and prayed, but I was feeling more and more desperate and isolated from God. I never stopped believing in God, but under the circumstances, I just couldn’t believe that God cared about me, much less our daughter.  I felt so unloved and so lost!!!  This went on for several years, and a friend convinced me to go to Grand Coteau for a women’s retreat.  I would do anything at this point to escape seeing the pain our daughter had to endure.  I went on this retreat with anger in my heart.  In the front yard area of the retreat house, there was a labyrinth.  I went outside to be alone, but all the outside chairs were taken, so I decided to walk the grounds, and I came upon the labyrinth.  I began walking it and, all the while, screaming at the Lord, “Why me?  I don’t know how to help her get better.  I hate seeing her like this and what it’s doing to our family.”  

     Jesus literally spoke to me, loud and clear, “I chose you.” That was a pivotal moment in my life, and I knew then that God had not abandoned me; instead, I had abandoned Him.  The missing piece of the puzzle to my recovery was my trust and reliance on God, and I came full circle in realizing that I needed Him in my life.  The miraculous truth is that today our daughter is living her life successfully. God healed her – in His time, not mine.

     My faith journey once again began in earnest four years ago when we moved back to NO to be closer to two of our children and our seven grandchildren.  St. Catherine has fed me spiritually, and I responded to the call by taking the Lord, Teach Me to Pray course (Parts 1 and 2) and participating in Alpha.  It was also during this time that I began to see a spiritual director to guide me on the journey to developing a deeper relationship with Christ.  I was seeking (and still am) a deep conviction that God loves me and forgives me.  All this has led me to pursue the 19th Annotation spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, “Finding God in All Things.” This is calling me to intimately come to know that Jesus loves me; and despite my abandoning Him, He has never stopped loving me and supporting me.

     Psalm 139:5 speaks loudly to me today: “Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me.” I’m not sure where the Lord is calling me next, but I do hope I will be free to hear His call and, like Mary, respond with a resounding “YES!”